Intimate Affairs: Virgin hunter, by Funke Egbemode


Tamino was a man about town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and satisfied. And the girls were eager to please. Tamuno, the player, he reigned long, hard and deep. Of course, all good things must come to an end.

So, it was for Tamino. He decided to retire from the players club. That was when his unrealistic shopping list showed his greed. He, Tamino, as undeserving as he was, wanted an untainted, untouched, clean girl. Even you are surprised? Well, this player didn’t want a record that has been played. His friends and fellow players laughed, sneered and then laughed harder.

“Where will you find a virgin”?

“Tamino, you Devil’s Assistant wants a Virgin Mary. You are the definition of blasphemy.”

“Would you even know what to do with a virgin with your sins stretching from Epe to Sokoto”?

My final words: a man who has ‘dis-virgined’ girls does not deserve a virgin bride. That would be cheating the whole world.

But Tamino was determined and he deployed the patience of old, the one that he used in catching the most reluctant girl. Somehow, he got lucky. Those who knew Tamino’s bride was a virgin were his inner circle of players, and they gaped and gasped.

Tam kept her chaste and the marriage bed undefiled until the wedding night. Of course, the courtship was short and sharp. The wedding lavish but unadvertised, in case the League of Tamino’s Ex-lovers decided to attend. Don’t laugh. Long story short, Tamino is now married. Happily? No. But the bad guy actually got a virgin.

The problem now is the happily-ever-after that seems to be both presently missing and also not in sight. Why? How?

Tamuno’s virgin does not like sex. In fact, she’s scared of sex. She becomes tense once it’s bed time or her husband starts getting amorous. She looks for excuses to travel, visit her ailing Mum (who by the way is fit as a fiddle). Anything to run away from her house and Tam’s rod of vengeance, her words.   She’s 26, a beautiful and brilliant lawyer, Tamuno’s virgin.

So, is the universe punishing Tamuno for ploughing through many maiden heads like hot iron through candle or is it just a case of bad luck and nemesis working hand-in-hand to bring Tamuno a bride with a medical condition that has left him thoroughly frustrated? Whichever one it is, Tamuno is sad, his wife is crying and their Jerusalem is not at peace.

Why, how do men who have burgled many virgins’ coven suddenly develop a taste and thirst for virgin brides? Do they not know that once a virgin has been undone, the damage is irreversible? Why do burglars want to live in homes that have never been occupied? Why would a long-distance driver want a road nobody has driven on?

It is absolutely unfair for a man to take pleasure in digging, ploughing and cultivating virgin lands and then hope that other men, his fellow diligent farmers, are not doing the same in other corners of the earth.

In the days long gone, virgins were precious, their flowers watered and delicately pampered until wedding night. These days, they are not just scarce commodities, they are endangered species. Yet the men who do the deflowering want to marry virgins. I can’t even find the adjective to qualify such men. It’s fair if a male virgin wants to marry a female virgin. The two of them have kept their bodies, hearts and mind on their goal. A man who deflowers does not deserve a flower.

Thankfully, the men who want to marry virgins by fire by force do not outnumber the realistic ones. I stand to be corrected, of course. The virgin hunters reading this can supply statistics to support their hunting expeditions and list of members of their club.

There are, as I was saying, men who prefer bottles that had already been opened, paths that have been cleared, even paved. They do not want all the hard work and painful groans that teaching a girl where to touch involves.

“I prefer a woman in my bed, not some scared girl who doesn’t know what to do with my body.”

“I want a woman who gasps in appreciation when she sees me in my naked glory, not one who cringes and wants to disappear through my bedroom wall.”

“Let another man do the clearing. I will come and plant and pant with pleasure there. Leave me out of the kindergarten sex class. I want a woman who knows what a woman and a man do in the bedroom, behind closed doors.”

Me, I hear all kinds of things. And I can tell you that not all virgin hunters have sweet stories to tell. Like Tamuno who loves to explore and be explored but he’s now married to a woman who sees sex as punishment or at best, an exercise that should be endured.

Trust science, it has different terms for such conditions. Genophobia is one. The extreme one is Erotophobia, which is excessive and irrational fear of sex. There are also cultural factors that may inhibit a good girl from letting go, even when she’s now certified and recognized as the owner of a man’s body.

Tamuno is sulking all over the place but he has himself to blame. He bought a Rolls-Royce and wanted to operate it with the manual of a Toyota Corolla. Of course, there will be trouble and a lot of confusion. When you sign up for a virgin, do your home work, read up on her. Not all hard land responds to just cutlass and hoe. Some lands need to be watered and worshipped first. We will get to the full episode one of these days.

Marriage is many things and trust is one commodity you cannot do without. Absolute trust is what gives all parties peace of mind.

What about virgin hunters who end up opening the can only to find out they have unleashed a passion even they can’t cope with? Yes, she has waited for so long and now wants it like panadol, two tablets three times daily. Or like MTN, everywhere you go. In the kitchen, on the office table, or a quickie while his friends are watching premier league, downstairs and everywhere in between. Marrying a virgin is a beautiful thing but it does not guarantee a good marriage.

I wish we could go back to the days where being a virgin on wedding night was a big deal, a big ceremony. In my part of Yoruba land, a full box of matches and the stained white clothes were sent back to the bride’s family in ‘appreciation’ of the fact that the groom ‘met his wife at home’. The virgin bride was celebrated. The groom proudly strutted and boasted to his friends. But even in those glorious days, being a virgin bride didn’t guarantee marital bliss. It did not stop the groom from taking a second and third wife after the virgin. It didn’t even in some cases guarantee that the virgin didn’t step out on her husband.

Today’s virgins are a very big book story, one that includes a chapter on how to fake virginity. It’s sigh-inducing, right?

Marriage is many things and trust is one commodity you cannot do without. Absolute trust is what gives all parties peace of mind. Being selfish and keeping your eyes on the rear view mirror while driving only guarantees crashes.

My final words: a man who has ‘dis-virgined’ girls does not deserve a virgin bride. That would be cheating the whole world.

Egbemode (

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